Lance the Lunatic
by Red Witch
Summary: A short story which gives another possible reason Lance might want to leave the Brotherhood!


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Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Stop hounding me like this! Well, I set this story shortly before "Brotherhood Exorcism". Grrrr…I can't wait until Joyride is over. I have a million different ideas on what to write next but since I try to stick as close to the continuity of the 'real' episodes as possible… All I can do is write this…

**Lance the Lunatic**

"And that's why I mooned the Santa and all that," Lance explained with puppy dog eyes. "Kitty please don't be mad. Please?"

"Lance," Kitty sighed, a slight hint of annoyance in her voice.

"PLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSEEEE?" He pouted. Then he spoke in a baby voice. "Pwetty pwese with sugar on top? Kitty-witty? Pweeeeeeese?" 

Kitty laughed. "Lance you silly…"

"Pwese Kitty-witty?" Lance continued, seeing how much it pleased her. "Don't make me cwy?"

"Lance!" Kitty laughed. Lance grabbed her by the waist and hugged her from behind. She didn't resist. 

"Pwetty-Kitty," Lance said in a sing song voice. "Don't me maddy-waddy at me. Pweeessee?"

"Oh okay! Okay! I forgive you!" Kitty laughed and pulled away. "But you gotta behave yourself understand?"

"I'll be good!" Lance's eyes brightened. "Really! Really good! I promise!" 

"Promise?"

"Pwomise!" Lance blinked cutely. "I'll be vewy, vewy good!"

"Okay, I gotta go now," Kitty walked away. "Maybe we'll talk later. I'll call you!"

"Bye Kitty!" Lance waved excitedly. "Yes!" He danced around when she was out of sight. "She'll call me! I gotta get to a phone! Yeahooo!"

A few blocks later Lance skipped (yes skipped) inside the Brotherhood house. "La! La! La! La! La!"

"Good day?" Fred asked raising an eyebrow. 

"Hello Freddy!" Lance slapped him on the back. "Isn't it a glorious happy day? Mr. Sun is shining! The birds are singing!"

"The nuts are falling from the trees," Fred rolled his eyes. He looked at Todd who hopped in. "Let me take a wild guess? Kitty right?"

"What else?" Todd hopped in. "Man I'm gonna have to start charging you guys double for spying on those two!"

"That bad huh?" Pietro zipped in and watched Lance dance around with glee.

"You wouldn't believe the spectacle he made out of himself!" Todd snorted. He then mocked Lance in his own baby voice. "I almost upchucky-wuckyed all over the pwace!"

"Oh no not the baby talk," Pietro slapped his head. "Tell me he didn't do the baby talk."

"He did," Todd nodded. "Lance you've lost it yo!" 

Lance was in a world of his own. "_I feel pretty, oh so pretty_," He sang and danced around. 

"We already did that one Lance," Todd told him. 

"I have to get ready," Lance dashed up the stairs. "I want to look my best when she calls me!"

"Oh no," Pietro groaned. "Lance you already spend more time in the bathroom than Tabby!"

"It's true," She said. "Heck he even broke Jean's record the other day!"

"She ain't worth it Lance!" Fred shouted. "Take it from me, you're in for heartache! Heartache I tell ya! Those X-Geek women just use you and chew you up and spit you out! Heartache!"

"I take it you had another meeting of the "I Hate Jean Grey" club today," Pietro said.

"Oh yes," Fred nodded. "You'd be amazed how many people we have now. I can't give you any names, you know cause it's kind of like AA, but there are quite a few jocks in the club now."

"Wait there's a club devoted to hating Red?" Tabitha asked. "When does it meet?"

"Actually it's more like a support group," Fred told her. "But you're welcome to come. As vice president I can get you in."

"Vice President?" Pietro asked.

"Yeah, turns out there's someone out there who hates her even more than I do."

"Can we forget that X-Geek and concentrate on the **other** X-Geek Lance is obsessed about?" Todd asked. 

"Toad's right," Pietro looked upstairs. He could hear Lance singing. "We have a problem. A big one." 

"Hey guys!" Lance chirped as he came downstairs. "How do I look?"

"Like you always look," Todd grumbled. 

"Yeah but this time I used that hair gel Tabby has to make my hair shiny!" He preened. "Kitty loves that!"

"Lance you have been spending way too much time with Pietro," Todd grumbled.

"Hey!" Pietro whacked him on the back. "Actually I do use that gel from time to time. Cuts down wind resistance!"

"Yeah it's helps keep my mohawk in place too!" Fred preened with his hair.

"Well this explains why I need a new hair gel bottle every other day!" Tabitha rolled her eyes. 

"I'm the only real guy in this nuthouse!" Todd shook his head. "Will you focus people? Lance you've lost it!"

"I'm not sure he ever had it," Tabitha said.

"Hey guys, what would you say if I invited Kitty over here sometime?" Lance asked.

"Oh sure," Todd drawled. "Why don't you give guided tours to the rest of the X-Jerks?" He then pretended he was a tour guide. "Here we are in the main foyer. Its styled in early demolition. Over there is the leaning tower of pizza boxes established in 1809. You'll note that all the holes in the wall are man made. This over here is an abstract art piece called "Blood on the Wall". Wait a minute…" He licked a huge stain on the wall. "Sorry, that's ketchup left over from last night's food fight."

"I get the picture Toad," Lance sighed. "You're right! It's a mess!" 

"So you're going to spend all night staring at the phone again huh?" Pietro asked.

"I was but Toad gave me a better idea!" Lance said. "We'll clean the house while we're waiting for Kitty to call! Then we can invite her over!"

A collective groan came from the rest of the gang. "Come on, if we all pitch in this place will be cleaned up in no time!" Lance said.

"She's your girlfriend, you clean it up!" Pietro snapped. 

"Fine I will!" Lance snapped. "Where's the vacuum?" He ran around the house like a chicken with its head cut off opening doors. 

"We have a vacuum?" Tabitha asked. 

"I think we broke it a while back," Fred said.

"No that was the dishwasher," Todd corrected him. "We put firecrackers in it remember? That was the day Mystique called a psychiatrist."

"Oh yes," Fred nodded in agreement. 

"Okay!" Lance came out with a vacuum and several rags. "Let's go! I'm gonna clean!" 

"Have fun," Pietro snickered. 

"Very funny! Now first…" He looked around. Then he looked again. Then he threw the vacuum and supplies into a corner. "Oh forget it," He grumbled. "I'll just have to take her someplace else." 

The phone rang. "Don't answer it!" Lance shouted racing to the phone. "Okay! I've got it! I've got it! Hello?" He answered. "No I'm not interested in a new calling plan! Goodbye!" He hung up and glared at the others snickering at him. "Don't you guys have anything better to do?"

"Not really no!" Fred smiled. 

"Hey it's cheaper than cable," Pietro shrugged. 

"Gonna do more baby talk Lancie-wancy?" Todd snickered. 

"Get out of here!" He snarled. Laughing, they went into the other room.

"Hey guys, come here," Tabitha motioned to the others. "Let's have a little fun shall we? Why don't we…"she whispered the plan to the others. 

"Good idea," Pietro smiled. "Oh La-ance…"

"What?" He asked annoyed. He walked into the next room. "HEY! BLOB WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET GO OF ME! CUT IT OUT!"

"Ha Ha!" Tabitha ran out of the room twirling Lance's jeans above her head. Lance chased after her in his boxer shorts. 

"TABBY YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Lance screamed as they ran around the house. The guys were laughing their heads off. Todd was on the floor pointing. The phone rang. Pietro answered it.

"Hello?" he said suavely. "Oh hi Kitty. Lance is busy right now. He's chasing Tabby in his boxer shorts."

"PIETRO!" Lance grabbed the phone. "Kitty! Ha, ha. That crazy Pietro. Always making up jokes that no one thinks are funny! So…" He leaned against the wall casually, pretending he wasn't in his boxer shorts. "What's new with you? Uh huh…Yeah. Oh nothing just hanging around. Yeah I…TABITHA!" He shouted as Tabitha took a picture of him. "Excuse me I'll call you back! YOU ARE SO DEAD!" He started to chase after her again. 

"Oh Rocky, Kitty's gonna love this picture!" Tabitha laughed. 

"You wouldn't dare!" Lance snarled.

"Well if she doesn't I would," Pietro cackled. 

"Give me back my jeans you nutcase!" Lance shouted. 

"Did I mention how much I love it here?" Tabitha laughed as she ran for dear life. 


End file.
